Content warning: this story discusses mental health and suicidal thoughts.
As I near graduation at the time of writing this, it would be fair to say that my journey to studying at AUB was unconventional. You see, despite how I look – and believe me, this surprises everyone – I am actually 30 years old. So, technically a mature student. Still, I feel younger now than I did 10 years ago and am constantly mistaken for between 20 and 25. Always a point of pride for me!
Anyway, this isn’t my first time at university. I completed a full BA (Hons) in Drama and German at University of Kent in 2018 (I was 23), then a MA in Translation at Cardiff University just before COVID-19 hit. Throughout those years, I was severely depressed to the point of suicidal and just existing without living. Then I realised that I was transgender just as I started my MA, and a tiny spark of hope sprang within me. That realisation of who and what I was, and the immediate and wholehearted support of my parents and peers, kept me going. Then, by the time the pandemic started, I had moved back in with my parents. Under their care, in a safe environment, I had the breathing space to figure out what to do next. Gradual changes in the first year or so soon became full social transitioning, then I started hormone therapy in April 2022.
Around that time, something else dawned on me: during my previous degrees, I had been studying what I felt I should study, rather than what I was truly passionate about. In conversation with my mum, I realised that I had in fact always enjoyed creative writing yet had put it off or dismissed it as a hobby. Shortly afterwards, one of my mum’s friends mentioned the BA (Hons) Creative Writing course at AUB, having also come here as a mature student (on a different course). I looked at the course details on AUB’s website and was at once hooked by what the course offered: a focus on creativity rather than endless academia; a class structure that allowed for plenty of independent work; lectures covering any and every form of writing. Plus, it was close to home, so I could commute and enjoy the comforts of home and have easy access to hormone medication. Perfect!
I was aware that I had long missed the first UCAS application deadline of January, and a second deadline for June was only a couple of weeks away, so I steamrolled through the application process. I had never visited the campus nor spoken with the course leader, Dr James Cole, but I knew that I wanted this. I didn’t apply to any other universities: AUB really was all or nothing for me. I attended an Open Day a few weeks after submitting my application and was convinced more than ever by the campus itself and the course presentation. Imagine my joy when I received an unconditional offer!
When I started here, I was nervous: I was no stranger to uni, but this still felt like something new. I was back at square one, in higher education as my true self, determined to grab every opportunity I could and enjoy university life to the fullest.
I was worried that my classmates would be less ready to accept me, being older than them. Even with AUB’s excellent reputation for LGBTQ+ acceptance, I was still very new to transitioning, feeling vulnerable, raw, and scared that I would face some pushback.
These fears were put to rest within minutes with immediate acceptance as a slightly older trans woman – and amazement at finding out I was 27 yet looked as young as them – and I found a solid friend group. I’ve made plenty more friends since then, whether on other courses or through external artistic networking. I have embraced experiences that my pre-transition self would’ve passed on, such as clubbing, helping promote the uni to the public, and getting involved in the local writing scene. All of this as a part of growing and changing – becoming the woman I was always meant to be – in an environment where I’ve felt safe to do so.
Within a week of starting classes and writing pieces for workshops, I knew that I had found my calling. Creative inspiration came to me with a newfound clarity and intensity, and I’ve learned more about my evolving preferences of form and genre than I ever would on my own. Even when I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve known the inspiration will come back when I need it most… even if the wait is at times torturous. My weekly schedule has been less packed with lectures and seminars than my previous degrees, which has been fantastic for finding time to write and let ideas flow. Peer feedback has done wonders for helping me develop my writing to a point where I am eagerly writing material that I hope to have published soon.
The last three years have confirmed for me that coming to AUB was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made (along with coming out and transitioning, of course). Being here whilst I piece myself back together in a more authentic form has given me my life back. It doesn’t matter that I’m taking these steps in life later than is typically expected: it’s a fact that everybody’s timeline is different.
My one piece of advice
If there is anyone reading this who is older than the average student and/or going through the early stages of transitioning and/or has been putting off applying here out of apathy, I have this to say: embrace who you are and what you’re truly passionate about; don’t wait for life to come to you, instead go after it with ferocious intent; it’s never too late to turn things around. AUB can offer all of that and more, so go for it!
